My dear cousin K8 (@akateisakate) forwarded me three Brene Brown TEDx talks today and they were probably the most valuable audio I heard all day. Vulnerability and Critics and Shame.
Go, listen. I'll be here when you get back, with hankies.
My takeaway from her talks? "The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging....[T]he one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection."
All the not-living-up-to-my-potential situations, abusive so-called "friends," spiritual and social disconnection, bulimia relapse, and feelings that I don't deserve success over the last year and five months boil down to a feeling of lack of worthiness. Take that, supposed millennial and white upper middle class entitlement mentality!
Of course, if you're going to talk about problems, talk about solutions. My first step was to craft affirmations for my Morning Pages and mantras for my meditation to help rebuild my sense of worthiness of health and contentment, taking inspiration from Brene Brown.
I am enough.
My vulnerability makes me beautiful.
I have the courage to be imperfect.
I am letting go of what I thought I should be in order to be who I am.
And I am gonna mindfully eat some delicious, dense, VGF sourdough carrot cake while I cultivate compassion for myself! I ran out of teff flour and it's difficult to come by in the DMV (et tu, Whole Foods Markets?!). I began using amaranth flour and will probably switch to millet once I'm out of amaranth. By all means, use whatever GF flour sourdough starter you have available; it's but a slight matter of taste and leavening.
Sourdough Carrot Cake
Modified from King Arthur Flour
1 cup teff-amaranth sourdough starter, unfed (I fed mine the day before but it was in the refrigerator)
1 cup (8 ounces) crushed pineapple, drained (or a cup of slightly blendered frozen pina)
2 cups grated carrots
1 cup roasted carrots puree (or applesauce or pumpkin puree)
3/4 cup canola oil
3/4 cup canola oil
1 cup coconut sugar
1/4 cup ground flaxseed
3/4 cup water
2 teaspoons vanilla
3/4 cup brown rice flour
3/4 cup sorghum flour
3/4 cup GF oat flour
1/2 teaspoon xanthan gum
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup raisins/currants
1 cup chopped walnuts, toasted
1/2 cup shredded coconut
1 batch Cream Cheeze Frosting
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and grease a 9*13-inch glass baking dish.
In food processor or blender, deal with the carrots and pineapple. Toast the walnuts in the preheating oven.
In the food processor or blender, blitz the roasted carrots to make a puree, then add the oil and coconut sugar and blend until smooth. It is a very thick mixture, so be sure to stop and scrape down the sides of the machine or use a tamper as needed. Blend in the ground flaxseed, water, and vanilla until smooth, scraping down the sides again.
In a large bowl, sift together the flours, xanthan gum, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Toss the walnuts, raisins, and coconut in the dry mixture and mix to coat. Stir in the sourdough starter until it makes small clumps in the flour mixture. Add the rest of the wet ingredients, the pineapple, and the carrots and mix well until completely combined.
Transfer the batter to the prepared pan and smooth out. Bake for 55-60 minutes or until it passes the toothpick test. Remove to a wire rack and cool completely in the pan before frosting.
Cream Cheeze Frosting
1 stick (1/2 cup) vegan margarine (I used EB buttery stick)
1/2 cup vegan cream cheeze (I used Trader Joe's)
2 cups organic powdered sugar (2/3 cup regular organic pow pow and 1 1/2 cups coconut pow pow, which is blendered coconut sugar and arrowroot)
2 teaspoons GF whiskey (I ran out of vanilla)
Beat the shit out of the margarine and cream cheeze until fluffy. Sift in one cup of pow pow. Continue beating until morale improves. Add the whiskey and the other cup of pow pow. Beat until fluffy and those weird ripples appear. Frost the completely cooled cake.